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Design-a-Hole 2009: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (Part 1 of 3)

By "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | March 26th, 2010

“I’ve never seen so many men wasted so badly…”

"Vote for me, or I'll Shoot!"

Clint Eastwood grumbled these words while surveying Civil War carnage in the classic film this blog is so subtly themed after. And while sitting here at Golden Tee HQ surmising the Design-a-Hole carnage from last year’s contest, The Man With No Name’s words reign true. There were so many good men wasted in the Design-a-Hole archives of 2009… And probably, so many wasted men too, for that matter. Thankfully today, through the power of the GTB, we can give those men our tip of the cap in this – part one of the three-part, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

The Design-a-Hole Archive: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly series began last year as a way that I, “Duffer” Dan Schrementi, could take my crack at choosing the best and the worst designs of the year. You see, while everything at IT is a team effort, let’s just say the Design-a-Hole project is sort of my baby. And ironically, “my baby” was challenged last year by none other than my other baby – my real baby son – who was born precisely on the day that DAH presentation was to be made to judges Jim Zielinski and Larry Hodgson. As I smoked cigars and drank scotch in the waiting room of the nursery, Jim and Larry pined over the 100+ design submissions back at Golden Tee HQ. Helplessly giddy at the hospital, my opinions on the designs were no where near the office.

Jim and Larry are Golden Tee Gods which is why they choose the finalist in the contest. But Jim and Larry do not get the luxury of watching the DAH entries stream through their inbox for 30 straight days. That’s a perk bestowed upon only the most *ahem* respected and talented “duffers” in the company. And until young GTB’er Adam Kramer can defeat me 47 rounds of dizzy bat baseball – and note: he’s got a hell of a way to go – I have remained the DAH chairman.

As a marketing professional, a design hack and a true fan of Golden Tee, I truly love checking my inbox each morning the contest is open. And over time, like a biased Simon Cowell, I begin to secretly root for and against certain entries. (secretly being the key word – this is exactly why I am NOT a judge!) It’s that time again and we’ve received more entries so far this year than ever before at this point. In fact, there’s a virtual cornucopia of crayon and marker mastery that awaits in my inbox as I type! All this means that now is the time when I get the opportunity to present the best and worst entries that you never saw last year. And in order to get your creative juices flowing, today we’re going to kick it off with The Good!

Press play – if you’re a real man…

THE GOOD

Here’s what you’re not going to see in the GTB’s The Good list: Dave Hollingshead, Jim Little, last year’s finalist entries or bacon-cheese-fries. These items go into the category of “assumed awesome” and have no place in The Good. No, instead what you’re about to see are the finest assets that just fell short of awesome and are – in my opinion – still worthy showing off to the world. These designs are great and they should show you 2010 DAH participants what you’re up against. One last thing, if it’s “Pants On The Ground” mockery that you’re in to, tune back next week for the BAD and subsequent UGLY parts of this series. Until then, without further ado, I offer you loyalists of the GTB The Good Design-a-Hole submissions from the 2009 contest. Enjoy~

If the name "Jason Thomason" rings a bell, it should. Jason had horse in the finals with "X Marks the Spot". But to me, you're looking at what very well could have been a winner last year. I give Jason huge props for putting this level of work into the Design-a-Hole Contest. Yes, it's true, if this design was handed to us as a pencil sketch it may have been glossed over, but his added level of effort made the judges notice. And not only that, there was a video too! I'm not sure what Jason does for a living, but he probably could "quit his day job"

Here, you're looking at another entry from another finalist, Jeff "Dank" Epperson. Yes, this hole is gimmicky as hell, but I am in awe of its creativity. It's not likely that you'd ever see a hole like this in Golden Tee Golf but it's hard to deny that you'd love to play it at least once.

We didn't call them "Finalists" for nothing. Chris Rice is the last of The Good finalists from last year - but come on? Look at this design and tell me you wouldn't want to play it. Kudos, Chris.

We didn't call them finalists for nothing! Chris Rice represents another DAH finalist with a second design to make The Good list. Again, here's a great example of a design that received extra attention because of it's level of quality. Chris did a great job here and Ocean Spray would have been great fun on Tahiti Cove, in my opinion.

Shipwreck Cove is proof that you don’t need a design degree to come up with a great idea. I thought Kyle’s idea of “playing through the ship” would have been loads of fun in Golden Tee. Perhaps it was a bit “over themed” which is why it didn’t make the final cut but I applaud the creativity that Kyle put fourth. Besides, I don’t know if we recorded Peter Jacobsen saying, “Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!”

Call me a sucker for gimmicks but I still think that Steve "Maestro" Snyder's Heartbreak Ridge was one of the most creative and fun-spirited designs received last year. The shape of the green forces you to control the ball and the "risk/reward" shot is as enticing as it could be. Well played, Maestro.... Well played.

Sean Dockry's "Lone Tree Harbor" is another example of the talents we saw in last year's event. I chose this hole for its level of quality in presentation but I can tell you, it suffered from what many DAH entries do - the inclusion of an always-played shortcut. A few tweaks to this layout and I think Sean would have been another one of the finalists. But rest easy, friend, you made it on the GTB.

Keith, I don't know what the hell I am looking at but you, my friend, get the award for best name. Ok, you're crayon lines are pretty nice too!

Before I bid you all farewell, I’d like to leave you with a final gallery of OH-SO-CLOSE-TO-GOOD designs. Why? Because missing the cut as a DAH finalist the first time wasn’t demoralizing enough…

_________________________________________________________

Coming Up on the GTB Next Week: THE BAD

WERE YOU BAD ENOUGH?

Design-a-Hole 2010

Submit Your Design Today for a Chance to Leave Your Golden Tee Legacy and Host the 2011 Launch Party at YOUR BAR!

Tags: 2010, 2011, design a hole, golden tee, Golf, hole design contest, incredible technologies, live, PGA, tiger woods
Posted in Design-a-Hole Contest, Posts by "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | 5 Comments »

Expelling Golden Tee Tilt

By "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | February 23rd, 2010

Hey, Golden Tee fans. It’s been a while since you’ve heard from your ol’ pal Duffer Dan. Have you missed me?

I apologize that I’ve been AWOL but Incredible Technologies is keeping me busy. Thankfully, my absence has created room for my much more in shape, quite less A-HOLE blogger minion, Adam Kramer to keep you all entertained. He’s got chops, huh? Thankfully, the hilarious electro-shock treatment is working on him.

So, while I may be somewhat out of the loop, I am definitely not gone. And with that said, it takes something compelling for me drop what I’m doing, come over here to the GTB and fire up the old blogin’ engine. I present to you that compelling something…

The following is a player email that landed in my inbox. I present it to you in its original form:

_______________________________________________________

Subject: NEW CARD NUMBER

I have been playing Golden Tee for about 5 years. I play with the same 3 guy’s about 2 times a week and probably play 2 games per day. I JUST CAN’T GET A BREAK. They hit and don’t get penalized, I hit and go in the water,sand trap or just miss a shot by inches. I spend about $25.00 a week playing this game ONLY TO SUCK HIND TIT 99% of the time, IT’S A JOKE. You would think after all this time I would have gotten better. I subscribe to your Newsletter and have taken time to analyze Greatest YOU-TUBE shot’s per hole. I also let my friends know where I’m Playing Golden Tee via Facebook.

Until I get a New Account with All My Clothing Transferred, I plan to tell these Guy’s that I will no longer play this game. Maybe Pool is my Destiny.

So if you want me to play give me a new card NUMBER

Thanks

Bill Ladas

_________________________________________________________

Now you know why we’re here and it doesn’t result in Bill playing billiards.

We’ve all been where Bill is. It’s a level of complete frustration and passion that only comes with the game of golf. It’s a crazy dichotomy, on one hand you have unbridled hatred for the game, as well as the people, places and things that go along with it. On the other hand, you have a dedicated fanboy – doing everything short of wearing a “I Heart Steve Sobe” shirt and carrying around a Golden Tee pennant.

As I read Bill’s denunciation of Tee, I thought, “I can help.” I can give Bill what he wants – I can exorcise his Golden Tee demons and give him that new life in the game he so loves to hate. I can give Bill the 1% shove that will remove his dependence on hind tit and propel him into the future as the Golden Tee player he was born to be. It’s time we expel the Golden Tee Tilt from Bill’s life and help him LIVE ON as a Golden Tee master.

Bill – are you ready? It’s not going to be easy, my frustrated friend. To build you up, we have to tear you down. It may be painful – emotionally and physically. It involves tools, – powerful tools. Carnage, fire and brimstone!!!! (ok, not brimstone, but a mean paper shredder)

BILL LADAS, I CAST YOUR GOLDEN TEE DEMONS AWAY!!!!!

The official IT BAN HAMMER was used to alleviate Bill Ladas of his errant tee shots.

Then we lit a fire under Bill so he would stop getting flamed by his friends.

Next, we proved the rumor true – belt sanders can help your game.

Now, without a shred of dignity left – we can rebuild…

Bill, we’ve had a lot of fun with your situation here and it’s only because all of us can relate – you just so happened to be the one to put it so eloquently in an email. So to complete your Golden Tee transformation, we will be fulfilling your demands and sending you a completely new account – fully stocked with GT equipment and apparel. We hope that this frees you of the demons that have so haunted your virtual golf life. You’re free! Free to enjoy your Tee time in the sun, cause let me tell you something, brother – there are no Tee times in hell.

Thanks for being such a good sport and an inspiration all of us GT hacks out there. And thanks for the permission to have a little fun at your expense. You da man…

Good times,

- Duffer Dan

Tags: duffer dan, frustrating, funny, golden tee, Golf, incredible technologies, on tilt, schrementi, tilt
Posted in Golden Tee Goodness, Posts by "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | 6 Comments »

HOLEGATE 2010

By "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | October 1st, 2009

Attention Fans of Golden Tee Golf: there’s a possible scandal among us, the gravity of which is unfathomable. I present to you the following communication, which was intercepted by Incredible Technologies’ Information Observation Team (aka, ITIOT) on October the first, year two thousand and nine.

Great Wall #3

This hole is definitely a rip-off of my design-a-hole entry “star maker/star breaker” which got an honorable mention on GT.com on the 15 designs that didn’t make the cut for voting. WTF….

…yes it is the plnwheel green par 3, I have no pics, my design was drawn on paper with no copies made. My green was star shaped with the pin placement at the ends of the arms of the star requiring a shot in the middle of the green for any chance of a birdie.

Author: MOCHEEZ

Source: Let’s Talk Golf Message Board

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: requesting profile information on subject, MOCHEEZ, over. *chk*

East China? Coincidence?

PROFILE: MOCHEEZ

Goes by Doug Smalley. Claims East China, Michigan as his home. Database confirms, 2009 Design-a-Hole Contest semi-finalist. Known as a “hardcore” member of “Let’s Talk Golf”. Once shot a -27 on Bonnie Moore to win $2 and was last quoted stating “I’d be a banger if I could hit ‘em straight.”

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger. East China, Michigan? hmmm Sounds fishy… Requesting further profile information. One James Zielinski, over. *chk*

Grilled Cheese - MOCHEEZ? Coincidence?

PROFILE: JIM ZIELINSKI

Goes by “Jimmy Z.” and known as the co-creator of Golden Tee Golf. Noted as the game’s virtual course architect and has designed every hole, including Great Wall #3. From the Chicago area and has been featured in dozens of magazines and TV programs. Also an acclaimed creator of food and drink, including Golden Tee Grilled Cheese and the creme’ de menth/Goldschlager concoction called the Golden Tee Gulp.

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger that. Requesting further details on the scandal… And aaaa, can we get some of those cheese sandwiches up here? Over… *chk*

THE SCANDAL: HOLE GATE 2010

Doug “MOCHEEZ” Smalley claims that James “Jimmy Z.” Zielinski ripped-off his Design-a-Hole entry “Star Maker/Breaker” when designing hole #3 of The Great Wall. MOCHEEZ goes on to claim that not only did Jim Z. glean design ideas from him but from other non-suspecting Design-a-Hole Contest semi-finalists. Jim, a proud artist, vehemently denies borrowing any ideas, be them conscious or subconscious.

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger, dodger. Requesting further evidence…. and… aaaa… base – those sandwiches please? over.*chk*

EVIDENCE A: STAR MAKER/BREAKER

EVIDENCE B: GREAT WALL #3

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: 10-4, base but aaaa… where in the hell are the trees and the dirt mounds? And did you say sand – was that sand, base? This is INSANE. IT’s black helicopters have WAY more work to do than this – I’m out… And – aaaaa – screw those sandwiches. I’m going to get one of those Golden Tee Gulps… over and out.*chk*

YOU TELL US…

Loading ...

Thank you for your cooperation during this critical time.

- ITIOT Agent Duffer Dan Schrementi

ps: we love you, Doug.

Tags: golden tee, Golf, incredible technologies, Jim Zielinski
Posted in Design-a-Hole Contest, Golden Tee 2010, Posts by "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | 3 Comments »

Dirty Words You Can’t Say on Tee

By "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | September 16th, 2009

Photo from the Busted Racquet Blog on Yahoo.com

Last Saturday night at the US Open, female tennis goddess Serena Williams was charged with a costly one-point penalty on her match point after showering a line judge with profanity-laced complaints over the judges foot fault call on her last serve. Williams’ tirade made McEnroe’s historic hissy fits sound like he was an Eagle Scout. Her tantrum included multiple f-bombs, swear-filled death treats and even the old high school P.E. class standby

“…I’m [expletive] going to take this [expletive] ball and shove it down your [expletive] throat…”

Ahhh, Serena… What fodder you’ve provided us sports and entertainment bloggers around the globe. The idea that someone of your superstar stature can also have an immature spaz session just makes all of us humans sleep that much better at night.

So this epic meltdown got me thinking about none other than Golden Tee Golf. Believe it or not, I’ve seen Golden Tee do amazing things to grown men. Cry, bleed, break appendages, kick, scream, fight, scratch, holler, fall over and yes – hurl. Considering these realities – as sad, depressing and unfortunate as they all are – I’ve never seen any of these tilt sessions cost a Golden Tee player a match, big or small.

And while nobody has ever lost a World Championship for threatening to shove a trackball down Gary Colabuono’s throat, I can say that players have lost certain privileges in Golden Tee for use of profanity in their LIVE nicknames. Golden Tee games are like mini-blinky billboards in thousands of bars and taverns across the globe and thus, monitoring the “naughty name” filter is actually the duty of – you guessed it – your friendly Golden Tee marketing department.

MORRISON’S LIST

Evil Mr. Morrison

Scott Morrison is the VP of Marketing at Incredible Technologies. He’s a nearly 25-year vet of IT, he’s my boss and the long-time keeper of the dreaded LIST. Since the dawn of online play, Morrison has managed this filter and has constantly amended it to keep up with different generations of filthy, offensive GT slang. Until now, the LIST remained private in Morrison’s office – he’s been like a school principal playing with confiscated contraband. But due to my Serena-induced inspiration, and need for attention on the GTB, Morrison gave up some juicy facts of the LIST so we can all get our juvenile giggles out of our systems.

Below you will find highlights of the banned name LIST for all online IT games. And while we’re not rated G here at the GTB, we’re not XXX either, so I stuck with this somewhat censored highlight reel.

The LIST is 1,240 garbage words in its entirety
The F-Bomb is spelled 19-different ways, with more being added often
Adding “BLOWS GOATS” to everyone’s names was the most common infraction in the late 1990′s (Thanks Wayne’s World!)
In case you’re wondering ASS and ARSE are both bad words.
Dear fifth graders – POO, POOP, POOTASTIC and SUPERPOO are all naughty in GT land.
In the 2000′s, “SUCKS” has replaced “BLOWS GOATS” as the most common infraction. Personally, “BLOWS GOATS” was way better…
Hmmm, how to approach this fact… The following words are second words in a compilation of the nastiest no-no’s on the LIST. Use your imagination, I guess… , ____PIRATE, ____TACULAR and ____DUMPSTER.
Thanks to Dannyboy Beall, names similar to WWWWWWWWWW are BANNED!!!!
Finally, I offer DIXIE NORMUS! Now come on – that’s funny.

So the next time that your buddy is in the bathroom and you decide to change his name to SUPERPOO, think of Serena Williams, Scott Morrison and the LIST. And for old time’s sake, George Carlin!

Good times,

- Duffer Dan “Blows Goats”

Tags: 2010, golden tee, Golf, Serena Williams, tantrum, tennis
Posted in Golden Tee Goodness, Posts by "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | 2 Comments »

Posts Tagged ‘golden tee’

Design-a-Hole 2009: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (Part 1 of 3)

THE GOOD