AK here, but don’t worry, Duffer fans – he’ll be back in a second. In the meantime, let’s avoid the whole Molotov cocktail thing at all costs.
We thought we’d tie a bow on The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly in 2010 by sharing the spotlight on some of last year’s best of the worst. Duffer started things off with The Good, I pinch-hit for The Bad, and now the two of us are combining forces to bring you the U-G-L-Y.
This might just be the most amazing tag team assembled since the Midnight Express and their turnbuckle-antics back in the early 80s.
But before I dive deeper into my wrestling throwback knowledge, there’s some work to take care of. Some dirty, dirty work…
You see, it’s not easy to describe the following designs, so I’ll be frank – these designs were the “Yo Mamma” jokes of last year.  They were the designs that made you want to throw up in your mouth, swallow it, then throw it up again. But you know what?
THAT’S WHY WE %^&ING LOVE ‘EM.
All of ‘em. And we appreciate all of the work that was put in, and you know why? These designs were unique, and the people took a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the pack. Hell, we practically forced you to do it when we encouraged you to try something new.
You see, Ugly doesn’t mean Bad. Ugly is simply an easy way to say this particular drawing didn’t fit into this contest. Plus, what kind of series would The Good, The Bad, and the Not-So-On-The-Mark be?
Think of it this way – these are the designs that belong on a wall in a bar, not on a virtual golf course…
So congratulations UGLY people, cause I say your nomination is pretty fantastic.
So now that my man Duffer Dan can sink his teeth back into this fun little feature – welcome him back with open arms. As always, this is meant in good fun so keep that in mind and try and keep the hate mail to a minimum. I mean, who could possibly hate on The Midnight Express. Look at the hair. LOOK AT IT.
Take it away, DD!
Young Adam, you’ve done an eloquent job illustrating the nuances of “Ugly” and now please step aside and allow me to put a cap on it with this visual representation:
Look up “Ugly” in the dictionary and see General Larry Platt and his goofy ass grin.  Not only did this ugly diddy infest the HDTV’s in millions of households through American Idol, it also hit the billboard charts, “The View” and was copied by that ass-slapping Minnesota Viking’s quarterback.  The point here is that sometimes it’s the ugliest of ducklings that turn into swans… Or is it the dumbest of swans that we can laugh at for being ugly…  I don’t know, it’s something like that.  Anyway  HERE WE GO with the grand finale!
U-G-L-Y YOU AINT GOT NO ALIBI, YOU UGLY!
Seriously, Kyle – a Death Star?  Come on, man.  This isn’t World of Warcraft, this is Golden Tee, brother.  If you were going to put a famous theatrical “space star” as shortcut in a Golden Tee design I would expect something entirely more fitting, such as “Mega Maid” from Spaceballs.  Your geekery gave this hole absolutely NO credibility and as Dark Helmut said, “We’re done with you.  Now go to the golf course and work on your putz!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, grab your hats and look out for bats because what you’re entering now is certifiably, undeniably, guaranteed to involve wee… er – beer – CAVE portion of today’s trip.  In corner number one you have “The Cavern” by former Team USA member, Justin Taylor – a high-resolution, full color cave experience that oddly resembles an askew jack-o-lantern.  And in corner number two you have the aptly named “The Cave” by Brian Kirschner – Brian opted for the much cleaner Picture Pages approach to convey his stalagmite-filled vision. I hate to be a kiljoy, but unless you were born in one of these masterpieces you should know that there has never been and will never be, a CAVE HOLE in Golden Tee Golf.  If any reader should decide to send a cave idea in for 2011, please include a rock for illustration and self-clubbing purposes.
Flaming “The Finish Line” by Russ Green is the hardest UGLY ribbing I’ve ever done.  Why? Cause this design is so near and dear to my heart.  Here’s a Duffer Dan fact – I am a Indy Racing junkie, with a particular fondness for the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.  It is my love and my sporting sanctuary.  So the day I received a call asking permission to use the Greatest Spectacle in Racing as a DAH inspiration, I was floored and could’t wait to see it – until I did.  Russ, sadly, I need to point some things out to you 1) according to scale your fairway is 1,144 yards long and your tee boxes are upwards of 300-yards wide 2) you moved pit road, Gasoline Alley AND the pagoda and 3) you replaced the famed “yard of bricks” with checkered paint.  Sorry to say it, buddy, but there are already 4 real golf holes inside of the Brickyard and they’ve got you topped.  With all this said, it still does make me happy to see my two loves cross paths, even if it’s uglier than the 1968 Lotus turbine.
Travis Schoonover’s “Rooftop Delight” rounds out this year’s medley of monstrous masterpieces and it’s not for his lack of creativity. Â Golden Tee has taken us to a variety of scary places before, but never any that would require a helicopter or Spidey senses to get from tee-to-green. Â What pushed me over the edge was.. the… thought… of getting pushed over the edge! Â Travis says “only the most daring players would go for the green in one” leaving out the fact that they scaled a damn building to tee-off! Â OK, Schoony, next time you decide to break out Photoshop, leave the RedBull in the fridge and back down the testosterone – you’re just too damn creative to end it all like this.
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So there you have it, folks – THE UGLY hole designs from the 2009 Design-a-Hole contest. Â And just in case my partner, Adam “Randy Rose” Kramer didn’t include enough disclaimers, we seriously appreciate efforts put forth by today’s contestants. Â You let us have a little fun with you and for that, we say thank you. Â Now you sir, I’d appreciate it if you kindly remove your sniper rifle from the parking lot and give ol’ Duffer Dan a nice big bear hug in celebration of today’s display of disfigured doodles!
[Man, I am on fire with the alliterations!]
So, until next year, I bid this series farewell and look forward to showing off THE GREAT of 2010.  As you know, this year’s Design-a-Hole finalists have been announced and they are nothing short of spectacular.  So don’t forget to start voting next week, all the while remembering, that on the deep, disturbed hard drive of Duffer Dan’s computer lies the dark and dirty secret files that will be known as the 2010 The Good, The Bad and The Ugly…
Good times,
- Duffer Dan
Design-a-Hole 2010 Voting Starts April 3rd!
(Part 2 of 3)
