“I’ve never seen so many men wasted so badly…”

"Vote for me, or I'll Shoot!"

Clint Eastwood grumbled these words while surveying Civil War carnage in the classic film this blog is so subtly themed after.  And while sitting here at Golden Tee HQ surmising the Design-a-Hole carnage from last year’s contest, The Man With No Name’s words reign true.  There were so many good men wasted in the Design-a-Hole archives of 2009… And probably, so many wasted men too, for that matter.  Thankfully today, through the power of the GTB, we can give those men our tip of the cap in this – part one of the three-part, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

The Design-a-Hole Archive: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly series began last year as a way that I, “Duffer” Dan Schrementi, could take my crack at choosing the best and the worst designs of the year.  You see, while everything at IT is a team effort, let’s just say the Design-a-Hole project is sort of my baby.  And ironically, “my baby” was challenged last year by none other than my other baby – my real baby son – who was born precisely on the day that DAH presentation was to be made to judges Jim Zielinski and Larry Hodgson.  As I smoked cigars and drank scotch in the waiting room of the nursery, Jim and Larry pined over the 100+ design submissions back at Golden Tee HQ.  Helplessly giddy at the hospital, my opinions on the designs were no where near the office.

Jim and Larry are Golden Tee Gods which is why they choose the finalist in the contest.  But Jim and Larry do not get the luxury of watching the DAH entries stream through their inbox for 30 straight days.  That’s a perk bestowed upon only the most *ahem* respected and talented “duffers” in the company.  And until young GTB’er Adam Kramer can defeat me 47 rounds of dizzy bat baseball – and note: he’s got a hell of a way to go – I have remained the DAH chairman.

As a marketing professional, a design hack and a true fan of Golden Tee, I truly love checking my inbox each morning the contest is open.  And over time, like a  biased Simon Cowell, I begin to secretly root for and against certain entries.  (secretly being the key word – this is exactly why I am NOT a judge!)  It’s that time again and we’ve received more entries so far this year than ever before at this point.  In fact, there’s a virtual cornucopia of crayon and marker mastery that awaits in my inbox as I type!  All this means that now is the time when I get the opportunity to present the best and worst entries that you never saw last year.  And in order to get your creative juices flowing, today we’re going to kick it off with The Good!

Press play – if you’re a real man…

THE GOOD

Here’s what you’re not going to see in the GTB’s The Good list: Dave Hollingshead, Jim Little, last year’s finalist entries or bacon-cheese-fries.  These items go into the category of “assumed awesome” and have no place in The Good. No, instead what you’re about to see are the finest assets that just fell short of awesome and are – in my opinion – still worthy showing off to the world.  These designs are great and they should show you 2010 DAH participants what you’re up against.  One last thing, if it’s “Pants On The Ground” mockery that you’re in to, tune back next week for the BAD and subsequent UGLY parts of this series. Until then, without further ado, I offer you loyalists of the GTB The Good Design-a-Hole submissions from the 2009 contest.  Enjoy~

If the name "Jason Thomason" rings a bell, it should. Jason had horse in the finals with "X Marks the Spot". But to me, you're looking at what very well could have been a winner last year. I give Jason huge props for putting this level of work into the Design-a-Hole Contest. Yes, it's true, if this design was handed to us as a pencil sketch it may have been glossed over, but his added level of effort made the judges notice. And not only that, there was a video too! I'm not sure what Jason does for a living, but he probably could "quit his day job"

Here, you're looking at another entry from another finalist, Jeff "Dank" Epperson. Yes, this hole is gimmicky as hell, but I am in awe of its creativity. It's not likely that you'd ever see a hole like this in Golden Tee Golf but it's hard to deny that you'd love to play it at least once.

We didn't call them finalists for nothing! Chris Rice represents another DAH finalist with a second design to make The Good list. Again, here's a great example of a design that received extra attention because of it's level of quality. Chris did a great job here and Ocean Spray would have been great fun on Tahiti Cove, in my opinion.

Call me a sucker for gimmicks but I still think that Steve "Maestro" Snyder's Heartbreak Ridge was one of the most creative and fun-spirited designs received last year. The shape of the green forces you to control the ball and the "risk/reward" shot is as enticing as it could be. Well played, Maestro.... Well played.

Sean Dockry's "Lone Tree Harbor" is another example of the talents we saw in last year's event. I chose this hole for its level of quality in presentation but I can tell you, it suffered from what many DAH entries do - the inclusion of an always-played shortcut. A few tweaks to this layout and I think Sean would have been another one of the finalists. But rest easy, friend, you made it on the GTB.

Keith, I don't know what the hell I am looking at but you, my friend, get the award for best name. Ok, you're crayon lines are pretty nice too!

Before I bid you all farewell, I’d like to leave you with a final gallery of OH-SO-CLOSE-TO-GOOD designs.  Why?  Because missing the cut as a DAH finalist the first time wasn’t demoralizing enough…

_________________________________________________________

Coming Up on the GTB Next Week: THE BAD

WERE YOU BAD ENOUGH?

Design-a-Hole 2010

Submit Your Design Today for a Chance to Leave Your Golden Tee Legacy and Host the 2011 Launch Party at YOUR BAR!

Photo from the Busted Racquet Blog on Yahoo.com

Last Saturday night at the US Open, female tennis goddess Serena Williams was charged with a costly one-point penalty on her match point after showering a line judge with profanity-laced complaints over the judges foot fault call on her last serve.  Williams’ tirade made McEnroe’s historic hissy fits sound like he was an Eagle Scout.  Her tantrum included multiple f-bombs, swear-filled death treats and even the old high school P.E. class standby

“…I’m [expletive] going to take this [expletive] ball and shove it down your [expletive] throat…”

Ahhh, Serena…  What fodder you’ve provided us sports and entertainment bloggers around the globe.  The idea that someone of your superstar stature can also have an immature spaz session just makes all of us humans sleep that much better at night.

So this epic meltdown got me thinking about none other than Golden Tee Golf. Believe it or not, I’ve seen Golden Tee do amazing things to grown men. Cry, bleed, break appendages, kick, scream, fight, scratch, holler, fall over and yes – hurl.  Considering these realities – as sad, depressing and unfortunate as they all are – I’ve never seen any of these tilt sessions cost a Golden Tee player a match, big or small.

And while nobody has ever lost a World Championship for threatening to shove a  trackball down Gary Colabuono’s throat, I can say that players have lost certain privileges in Golden Tee for use of profanity in their LIVE nicknames. Golden Tee games are like mini-blinky billboards in thousands of bars and taverns across the globe and thus, monitoring the “naughty name” filter is actually the duty of – you guessed it – your friendly Golden Tee marketing department.

MORRISON’S LIST

Evil Mr. Morrison

Scott Morrison is the VP of Marketing at Incredible Technologies.  He’s a nearly 25-year vet of IT, he’s my boss and the long-time keeper of the dreaded LIST.  Since the dawn of online play, Morrison has managed this filter and has constantly amended it to keep up with different generations of filthy, offensive GT slang. Until now, the LIST remained private in Morrison’s office – he’s been like a school principal playing with confiscated contraband. But due to my Serena-induced inspiration, and need for attention on the GTB, Morrison gave up some juicy facts of the LIST so we can all get our juvenile giggles out of our systems.

Below you will find highlights of the banned name LIST for all online IT games. And while we’re not rated G here at the GTB, we’re not XXX either, so I stuck with this somewhat censored highlight reel.

• The LIST is 1,240 garbage words in its entirety
• The F-Bomb is spelled 19-different ways, with more being added often
• Adding “BLOWS GOATS” to everyone’s names was the most common infraction in the late 1990′s  (Thanks Wayne’s World!)
• In case you’re wondering ASS and ARSE are both bad words.
• Dear fifth graders – POO, POOP, POOTASTIC and SUPERPOO are all naughty in GT land.
• In the 2000′s, “SUCKS” has replaced “BLOWS GOATS” as the most common infraction.  Personally, “BLOWS GOATS” was way better…
• Hmmm, how to approach this fact…  The following words are second words in a compilation of the nastiest no-no’s on the LIST. Use your imagination, I guess…  , ____PIRATE, ____TACULAR and ____DUMPSTER.
• Thanks to Dannyboy Beall, names similar to WWWWWWWWWW are BANNED!!!!
• Finally, I offer DIXIE NORMUS! Now come on – that’s funny.

So the next time that your buddy is in the bathroom and you decide to change his name to SUPERPOO, think of Serena Williams, Scott Morrison and the LIST. And for old time’s sake, George Carlin!

Good times,

- Duffer Dan “Blows Goats”

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