The Golden Tee Blog

Hey, Golden Tee fans.  It’s been a while since you’ve heard from your ol’ pal Duffer Dan.  Have you missed me?

I apologize that I’ve been AWOL but Incredible Technologies is keeping me busy.  Thankfully, my absence has created room for my much more in shape, quite less A-HOLE blogger minion, Adam Kramer to keep you all entertained.  He’s got chops, huh?  Thankfully, the hilarious electro-shock treatment is working on him.

So, while I may be somewhat out of the loop, I am definitely not  gone.  And with that said, it takes something compelling for me drop what I’m doing, come over here to the GTB and fire up the old blogin’ engine.  I present to you that compelling something…

The following is a player email that landed in my inbox.  I present it to you in its original form:

_______________________________________________________

Subject: NEW CARD NUMBER

I have been playing Golden Tee for about 5 years. I play with the same 3 guy’s about 2 times a week and probably play 2 games per day. I JUST CAN’T GET A BREAK. They hit and don’t get penalized, I hit and go in the water,sand trap or just miss a shot by inches. I spend about $25.00 a week playing this game ONLY TO SUCK HIND TIT 99% of the time, IT’S A JOKE. You would think after all this time I would have gotten better. I subscribe to your Newsletter and have taken time to analyze Greatest YOU-TUBE shot’s per hole. I also let my friends know where I’m Playing Golden Tee via Facebook.

Until I get a New Account with All My Clothing Transferred, I plan to tell these Guy’s that I will no longer play this game. Maybe Pool is my Destiny.

So if you want me to play give me a new card NUMBER

Thanks

Bill Ladas

_________________________________________________________

Now you know why we’re here and it doesn’t result in Bill playing billiards.

We’ve all been where Bill is.  It’s a level of complete frustration and passion that only comes with the game of golf.  It’s a crazy dichotomy, on one hand you have unbridled hatred for the game, as well as the people, places and things that go along with it.  On the other hand, you have a dedicated fanboy – doing everything short of wearing a “I Heart Steve Sobe” shirt and carrying around a Golden Tee pennant.

As I read Bill’s denunciation of Tee, I thought, “I can help.”  I can give Bill what he wants – I can exorcise his Golden Tee demons and give him that new life in the game he so loves to hate.  I can give Bill the 1% shove that will remove his dependence on hind tit and propel him into the future as the Golden Tee player he was born to be.  It’s time we expel the Golden Tee Tilt from Bill’s life and help him LIVE ON as a Golden Tee master.

Bill – are you ready?  It’s not going to be easy, my frustrated friend.  To build you up, we have to tear you down.  It may be painful – emotionally and physically.  It involves tools, – powerful tools.  Carnage, fire and brimstone!!!! (ok, not brimstone, but a mean paper shredder)

BILL LADAS, I CAST YOUR GOLDEN TEE DEMONS AWAY!!!!!

The official IT BAN HAMMER was used to alleviate Bill Ladas of his errant tee shots.

Then we lit a fire under Bill so he would stop getting flamed by his friends.

Next, we proved the rumor true – belt sanders can help your game.

Now, without a shred of dignity left – we can rebuild…

Bill, we’ve had a lot of fun with your situation here and it’s only because all of us can relate – you just so happened to be the one to put it so eloquently in an email.  So to complete your Golden Tee transformation, we will be fulfilling your demands and sending you a completely new account – fully stocked with GT equipment and apparel.  We hope that this frees you of the demons that have so haunted your virtual golf life.  You’re free!  Free to enjoy your Tee time in the sun, cause let me tell you something, brother – there are no Tee times in hell.

Thanks for being such a good sport and an inspiration all of us GT hacks out there.  And thanks for the permission to have a little fun at your expense.  You da man…

Good times,

- Duffer Dan

Attention Fans of Golden Tee Golf: there’s a possible scandal among us, the gravity of which is unfathomable.  I present to you the following communication, which was intercepted by Incredible Technologies’ Information Observation Team (aka, ITIOT) on October the first, year two thousand and nine.

Great Wall #3

This hole is definitely a rip-off of my design-a-hole entry “star maker/star breaker” which got an honorable mention on GT.com on the 15 designs that didn’t make the cut for voting. WTF….

…yes it is the plnwheel green par 3, I have no pics, my design was drawn on paper with no copies made. My green was star shaped with the pin placement at the ends of the arms of the star requiring a shot in the middle of the green for any chance of a birdie.

Author: MOCHEEZ

Source: Let’s Talk Golf Message Board

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: requesting profile information on subject, MOCHEEZ, over. *chk*

East China? Coincidence?

PROFILE: MOCHEEZ

Goes by Doug Smalley.  Claims East China, Michigan as his home. Database confirms,  2009 Design-a-Hole Contest semi-finalist.  Known as a “hardcore” member of “Let’s Talk Golf”.  Once shot a -27 on Bonnie Moore to win $2 and was last quoted stating “I’d be a banger if I could hit ‘em straight.”

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger.  East China, Michigan? hmmm Sounds fishy…  Requesting further profile information.  One James Zielinski, over. *chk*

Grilled Cheese - MOCHEEZ? Coincidence?

PROFILE: JIM ZIELINSKI

Goes by “Jimmy Z.” and known as the co-creator of Golden Tee Golf.  Noted as the game’s virtual course architect and has designed every hole, including Great Wall #3.  From the Chicago area and has been featured in dozens of magazines and TV programs.  Also an acclaimed creator of food and drink, including Golden Tee Grilled Cheese and the creme’ de menth/Goldschlager concoction called the Golden Tee Gulp.

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger that.  Requesting further details on the scandal…  And aaaa, can we get some of those cheese sandwiches up here? Over… *chk*

THE SCANDAL: HOLE GATE 2010

Doug “MOCHEEZ” Smalley claims that James “Jimmy Z.” Zielinski ripped-off his Design-a-Hole entry “Star Maker/Breaker” when designing hole #3 of The Great Wall.  MOCHEEZ goes on to claim that not only did Jim Z. glean design ideas from him but from other non-suspecting Design-a-Hole Contest semi-finalists. Jim, a proud artist, vehemently denies borrowing any ideas, be them conscious or subconscious.

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger, dodger.  Requesting further evidence…. and… aaaa… base – those sandwiches please? over.*chk*

EVIDENCE A: STAR MAKER/BREAKER

EVIDENCE B: GREAT WALL #3

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: 10-4, base but aaaa… where in the hell are the trees and the dirt mounds? And did you say sand – was that sand, base?  This is INSANE.  IT’s black helicopters have WAY more work to do than this – I’m out…  And – aaaaa – screw those sandwiches.   I’m going to get one of those Golden Tee Gulps… over and out.*chk*

YOU TELL US…

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Thank you for your cooperation during this critical time.

- ITIOT Agent Duffer Dan Schrementi

ps: we love you, Doug.

Photo from the Busted Racquet Blog on Yahoo.com

Last Saturday night at the US Open, female tennis goddess Serena Williams was charged with a costly one-point penalty on her match point after showering a line judge with profanity-laced complaints over the judges foot fault call on her last serve.  Williams’ tirade made McEnroe’s historic hissy fits sound like he was an Eagle Scout.  Her tantrum included multiple f-bombs, swear-filled death treats and even the old high school P.E. class standby

“…I’m [expletive] going to take this [expletive] ball and shove it down your [expletive] throat…”

Ahhh, Serena…  What fodder you’ve provided us sports and entertainment bloggers around the globe.  The idea that someone of your superstar stature can also have an immature spaz session just makes all of us humans sleep that much better at night.

So this epic meltdown got me thinking about none other than Golden Tee Golf. Believe it or not, I’ve seen Golden Tee do amazing things to grown men. Cry, bleed, break appendages, kick, scream, fight, scratch, holler, fall over and yes – hurl.  Considering these realities – as sad, depressing and unfortunate as they all are – I’ve never seen any of these tilt sessions cost a Golden Tee player a match, big or small.

And while nobody has ever lost a World Championship for threatening to shove a  trackball down Gary Colabuono’s throat, I can say that players have lost certain privileges in Golden Tee for use of profanity in their LIVE nicknames. Golden Tee games are like mini-blinky billboards in thousands of bars and taverns across the globe and thus, monitoring the “naughty name” filter is actually the duty of – you guessed it – your friendly Golden Tee marketing department.

MORRISON’S LIST

Evil Mr. Morrison

Scott Morrison is the VP of Marketing at Incredible Technologies.  He’s a nearly 25-year vet of IT, he’s my boss and the long-time keeper of the dreaded LIST.  Since the dawn of online play, Morrison has managed this filter and has constantly amended it to keep up with different generations of filthy, offensive GT slang. Until now, the LIST remained private in Morrison’s office – he’s been like a school principal playing with confiscated contraband. But due to my Serena-induced inspiration, and need for attention on the GTB, Morrison gave up some juicy facts of the LIST so we can all get our juvenile giggles out of our systems.

Below you will find highlights of the banned name LIST for all online IT games. And while we’re not rated G here at the GTB, we’re not XXX either, so I stuck with this somewhat censored highlight reel.

• The LIST is 1,240 garbage words in its entirety
• The F-Bomb is spelled 19-different ways, with more being added often
• Adding “BLOWS GOATS” to everyone’s names was the most common infraction in the late 1990’s  (Thanks Wayne’s World!)
• In case you’re wondering ASS and ARSE are both bad words.
• Dear fifth graders – POO, POOP, POOTASTIC and SUPERPOO are all naughty in GT land.
• In the 2000’s, “SUCKS” has replaced “BLOWS GOATS” as the most common infraction.  Personally, “BLOWS GOATS” was way better…
• Hmmm, how to approach this fact…  The following words are second words in a compilation of the nastiest no-no’s on the LIST. Use your imagination, I guess…  , ____PIRATE, ____TACULAR and ____DUMPSTER.
• Thanks to Dannyboy Beall, names similar to WWWWWWWWWW are BANNED!!!!
• Finally, I offer DIXIE NORMUS! Now come on – that’s funny.

So the next time that your buddy is in the bathroom and you decide to change his name to SUPERPOO, think of Serena Williams, Scott Morrison and the LIST. And for old time’s sake, George Carlin!

Good times,

- Duffer Dan “Blows Goats”

That’s it – I’ve had it up to here with you geeks!

In the 21-year history of Golden Tee, the game has gotten tons of press coverage.  Usually from the likes of Sports Illustrated, ESPN or MAXIM.   Hell we’ve gone as far as Penthouse to TIME magazine too.  But traditionally, us and the gamer press do NOT see eye to eye.  There’s a huge disconnect.  In a nut shell, they think we make hokey arcade games for drunk, college frat boys with too much testosterone (partially true…) that are not worthy of respect to the mighty console games.

But as the lines of social gaming continue to blur, we here at the IT marketing department think, “TO HELL WITH THE CLICHES, let’s see if the gamer press is ready to play nice.”  We’re the original social game for crying out loud and gaming is not as black-and-white as it once was.

So on August 4th, I sent the fun, new Golden Tee 2010 trailer to Kotaku – one of the largest gaming blogs in existence.  For whatever reason, Kotaku seems to have a soft spot for us in their heart.  They’ve been cool and ran some other items this year.  But this time – they knew exactly what they were doing.  Senior Editor Michael McWhertor posted our link with a well-written, tongue-and-cheek diatribe he called Golden Tee: The Song is Deadly Ear Poison.

(Sigh, here we go again…)

Michael didn’t tank us.  No.  In fact, his note was clever and funny.  But, like the song says, “He teed it high,” for the blog’s commenters to “…let it fly!”  And on cue, the web-site’s army of geeks began firing nerd bombs across our bow, insinuating – yet again – that Golden Tee isn’t really a game worthy of chatting about on a sophisticated gamer site.  (Oh, we’re sorry we disrupted your anime erotic story that day)    Here are some highlights of the some 50 comments.

PIEMONKEY said, “Well, we all know what game won’t do well.” (Oh, the one that’s earned more coin-in than Pac Man, errr which?)

DEFEATER said, “So what, this game/song/post is designed to make me hate everything about the world?” (No, my friend.  That’s still just you and “your secret”)

KINGDAVID73 said, “I never understood the appeal of golfing arcade games, but I see them in every bar / bar and grill I’ve ever been in. … although, I’ve never seen anyone play them.  (Oh, crap – you’re right?! We forgot to tell our customer that no one P L A Y S the games.  DAMN!)

But I have something to say to these geeks on behalf of the millions of Golden Tee fans in the world.  An open letter from me to you.

I am sorry for breaking your glasses in dodge ball back in P.E..  And yes, that was my touchdown you were writing about for the school paper back then and yes, it was GLORIOUS.  And remember when you were trying to hack into the prom queen’s computer?   I was making out with her. Yes, my friend – I was THAT popular.  And I’m sorry I made fun of your “foam sword fight club” back then – but it was funny.  And truthfully, I never had anything against you, your plastic figurines and your witty t-shirts… Really.

So today, while you’re sitting at home in your underwear massively multiplayering in your “social” network – I’ll be at the bar, hanging out with my friends, living life, playing Golden Tee and loving every damn minute of it.  Oh yeah, me and the 10,000,000 other Golden Tee players to have “viciously attacked the trackball” the past 21-years.

When you’re ready to get over yourself and try something different – we’ll be here, waiting at the bar, with an ice cold beer for you in-hand, ready to chat about our differences.  But until then, THIS YOUTUBE LINK SAYS IT ALL.

- Golden Tee

See Kotaku, we have a sense of humor too!  :D

Good times,

- Duffer Dan