Archives for the ‘Posts by “Duffer” Dan Schrementi’ Category


The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Part 3

By Adam Kramer | April 29th, 2010

AK here, but don’t worry, Duffer fans – he’ll be back in a second. In the meantime, let’s avoid the whole Molotov cocktail thing at all costs.

We thought we’d tie a bow on The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly in 2010 by sharing the spotlight on some of last year’s best of the worst. Duffer started things off with The Good, I pinch-hit for The Bad, and now the two of us are combining forces to bring you the U-G-L-Y.

This might just be the most amazing tag team assembled since the Midnight Express and their turnbuckle-antics back in the early 80s.

But before I dive deeper into my wrestling throwback knowledge, there’s some work to take care of. Some dirty, dirty work…

You see, it’s not easy to describe the following designs, so I’ll be frank – these designs were the “Yo Mamma” jokes of last year.  They were the designs that made you want to throw up in your mouth, swallow it, then throw it up again. But you know what?

THAT’S WHY WE %^&ING LOVE ‘EM.

All of ‘em. And we appreciate all of the work that was put in, and you know why? These designs were unique, and the people took a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the pack. Hell, we practically forced you to do it when we encouraged you to try something new.

You see, Ugly doesn’t mean Bad. Ugly is simply an easy way to say this particular drawing didn’t fit into this contest. Plus, what kind of series would The Good, The Bad, and the Not-So-On-The-Mark be?

Think of it this way – these are the designs that belong on a wall in a bar, not on a virtual golf course…

So congratulations UGLY people, cause I say your nomination is pretty fantastic.

So now that my man Duffer Dan can sink his teeth back into this fun little feature – welcome him back with open arms. As always, this is meant in good fun so keep that in mind and try and keep the hate mail to a minimum. I mean, who could possibly hate on The Midnight Express. Look at the hair. LOOK AT IT.

Take it away, DD!

Young Adam, you’ve done an eloquent job illustrating the nuances of “Ugly” and now please step aside and allow me to put a cap on it with this visual representation:

Look up “Ugly” in the dictionary and see General Larry Platt and his goofy ass grin.  Not only did this ugly diddy infest the HDTV’s in millions of households through American Idol, it also hit the billboard charts, “The View” and was copied by that ass-slapping Minnesota Viking’s quarterback.  The point here is that sometimes it’s the ugliest of ducklings that turn into swans… Or is it the dumbest of swans that we can laugh at for being ugly…  I don’t know, it’s something like that.  Anyway  HERE WE GO with the grand finale!

U-G-L-Y YOU AINT GOT NO ALIBI, YOU UGLY!

It’s only fitting that this layout looks like a baseball on a tee from afar cause it’s time for me to knock this one out of Skipper Ripper Horner’s little league baseball field.  ”Wind Funnel” made the ugly list this year NOT cause it’s from GT’s favorite stat geek buddy, Skipper Ripper, NOT because it’s a par 3 between 50 and 300 (yes, 300) yards, NOT because it HAS to be hole #16 and NOT because its concave green defies Golden Tee physics.  What pushed this discombobulated drawing over the edge was the nerve of its designer to think it can play God.  Skipper, leave the wind alone…
Seriously, Kyle – a Death Star?  Come on, man.  This isn’t World of Warcraft, this is Golden Tee, brother.  If you were going to put a famous theatrical “space star” as shortcut in a Golden Tee design I would expect something entirely more fitting, such as “Mega Maid” from Spaceballs.  Your geekery gave this hole absolutely NO credibility and as Dark Helmut said, “We’re done with you.  Now go to the golf course and work on your putz!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, grab your hats and look out for bats because what you’re entering now is certifiably, undeniably, guaranteed to involve wee… er – beer – CAVE portion of today’s trip.  In corner number one you have “The Cavern” by former Team USA member, Justin Taylor – a high-resolution, full color cave experience that oddly resembles an askew jack-o-lantern.  And in corner number two you have the aptly named “The Cave” by Brian Kirschner – Brian opted for the much cleaner Picture Pages approach to convey his stalagmite-filled vision. I hate to be a kiljoy, but unless you were born in one of these masterpieces you should know that there has never been and will never be, a CAVE HOLE in Golden Tee Golf.  If any reader should decide to send a cave idea in for 2011, please include a rock for illustration and self-clubbing purposes.
Flaming “The Finish Line” by Russ Green is the hardest UGLY ribbing I’ve ever done.  Why? Cause this design is so near and dear to my heart.  Here’s a Duffer Dan fact – I am a Indy Racing junkie, with a particular fondness for the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.  It is my love and my sporting sanctuary.  So the day I received a call asking permission to use the Greatest Spectacle in Racing as a DAH inspiration, I was floored and could’t wait to see it – until I did.  Russ, sadly, I need to point some things out to you 1) according to scale your fairway is 1,144 yards long and your tee boxes are upwards of 300-yards wide 2) you moved pit road, Gasoline Alley AND the pagoda and 3) you replaced the famed “yard of bricks” with checkered paint.  Sorry to say it, buddy, but there are already 4 real golf holes inside of the Brickyard and they’ve got you topped.  With all this said, it still does make me happy to see my two loves cross paths, even if it’s uglier than the 1968 Lotus turbine.
Travis Schoonover’s “Rooftop Delight” rounds out this year’s medley of monstrous masterpieces and it’s not for his lack of creativity.  Golden Tee has taken us to a variety of scary places before, but never any that would require a helicopter or Spidey senses to get from tee-to-green.  What pushed me over the edge was.. the… thought… of getting pushed over the edge!  Travis says “only the most daring players would go for the green in one” leaving out the fact that they scaled a damn building to tee-off!  OK, Schoony, next time you decide to break out Photoshop, leave the RedBull in the fridge and back down the testosterone – you’re just too damn creative to end it all like this.
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So there you have it, folks – THE UGLY hole designs from the 2009 Design-a-Hole contest.  And just in case my partner, Adam “Randy Rose” Kramer didn’t include enough disclaimers, we seriously appreciate efforts put forth by today’s contestants.  You let us have a little fun with you and for that, we say thank you.  Now you sir, I’d appreciate it if you kindly remove your sniper rifle from the parking lot and give ol’ Duffer Dan a nice big bear hug in celebration of today’s display of disfigured doodles!

[Man, I am on fire with the alliterations!]

So, until next year, I bid this series farewell and look forward to showing off THE GREAT of 2010.  As you know, this year’s Design-a-Hole finalists have been announced and they are nothing short of spectacular.  So don’t forget to start voting next week, all the while remembering, that on the deep, disturbed hard drive of Duffer Dan’s computer lies the dark and dirty secret files that will be known as the 2010 The Good, The Bad and The Ugly…

Good times,

- Duffer Dan

Design-a-Hole 2010 Voting Starts April 3rd!

Goldentee.com

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Design-a-Hole 2009: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (Part 1 of 3)

By "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | March 26th, 2010

“I’ve never seen so many men wasted so badly…”

"Vote for me, or I'll Shoot!"

Clint Eastwood grumbled these words while surveying Civil War carnage in the classic film this blog is so subtly themed after.  And while sitting here at Golden Tee HQ surmising the Design-a-Hole carnage from last year’s contest, The Man With No Name’s words reign true.  There were so many good men wasted in the Design-a-Hole archives of 2009… And probably, so many wasted men too, for that matter.  Thankfully today, through the power of the GTB, we can give those men our tip of the cap in this – part one of the three-part, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

The Design-a-Hole Archive: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly series began last year as a way that I, “Duffer” Dan Schrementi, could take my crack at choosing the best and the worst designs of the year.  You see, while everything at IT is a team effort, let’s just say the Design-a-Hole project is sort of my baby.  And ironically, “my baby” was challenged last year by none other than my other baby – my real baby son – who was born precisely on the day that DAH presentation was to be made to judges Jim Zielinski and Larry Hodgson.  As I smoked cigars and drank scotch in the waiting room of the nursery, Jim and Larry pined over the 100+ design submissions back at Golden Tee HQ.  Helplessly giddy at the hospital, my opinions on the designs were no where near the office.

Jim and Larry are Golden Tee Gods which is why they choose the finalist in the contest.  But Jim and Larry do not get the luxury of watching the DAH entries stream through their inbox for 30 straight days.  That’s a perk bestowed upon only the most *ahem* respected and talented “duffers” in the company.  And until young GTB’er Adam Kramer can defeat me 47 rounds of dizzy bat baseball – and note: he’s got a hell of a way to go – I have remained the DAH chairman.

As a marketing professional, a design hack and a true fan of Golden Tee, I truly love checking my inbox each morning the contest is open.  And over time, like a  biased Simon Cowell, I begin to secretly root for and against certain entries.  (secretly being the key word – this is exactly why I am NOT a judge!)  It’s that time again and we’ve received more entries so far this year than ever before at this point.  In fact, there’s a virtual cornucopia of crayon and marker mastery that awaits in my inbox as I type!  All this means that now is the time when I get the opportunity to present the best and worst entries that you never saw last year.  And in order to get your creative juices flowing, today we’re going to kick it off with The Good!

Press play – if you’re a real man…

THE GOOD

Here’s what you’re not going to see in the GTB’s The Good list: Dave Hollingshead, Jim Little, last year’s finalist entries or bacon-cheese-fries.  These items go into the category of “assumed awesome” and have no place in The Good. No, instead what you’re about to see are the finest assets that just fell short of awesome and are – in my opinion – still worthy showing off to the world.  These designs are great and they should show you 2010 DAH participants what you’re up against.  One last thing, if it’s “Pants On The Ground” mockery that you’re in to, tune back next week for the BAD and subsequent UGLY parts of this series. Until then, without further ado, I offer you loyalists of the GTB The Good Design-a-Hole submissions from the 2009 contest.  Enjoy~

If the name "Jason Thomason" rings a bell, it should. Jason had horse in the finals with "X Marks the Spot". But to me, you're looking at what very well could have been a winner last year. I give Jason huge props for putting this level of work into the Design-a-Hole Contest. Yes, it's true, if this design was handed to us as a pencil sketch it may have been glossed over, but his added level of effort made the judges notice. And not only that, there was a video too! I'm not sure what Jason does for a living, but he probably could "quit his day job"

Here, you're looking at another entry from another finalist, Jeff "Dank" Epperson. Yes, this hole is gimmicky as hell, but I am in awe of its creativity. It's not likely that you'd ever see a hole like this in Golden Tee Golf but it's hard to deny that you'd love to play it at least once.

We didn't call them "Finalists" for nothing. Chris Rice is the last of The Good finalists from last year - but come on? Look at this design and tell me you wouldn't want to play it. Kudos, Chris.

We didn't call them finalists for nothing! Chris Rice represents another DAH finalist with a second design to make The Good list. Again, here's a great example of a design that received extra attention because of it's level of quality. Chris did a great job here and Ocean Spray would have been great fun on Tahiti Cove, in my opinion.

Shipwreck Cove is proof that you don’t need a design degree to come up with a great idea. I thought Kyle’s idea of “playing through the ship” would have been loads of fun in Golden Tee. Perhaps it was a bit “over themed” which is why it didn’t make the final cut but I applaud the creativity that Kyle put fourth. Besides, I don’t know if we recorded Peter Jacobsen saying, “Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!”

Call me a sucker for gimmicks but I still think that Steve "Maestro" Snyder's Heartbreak Ridge was one of the most creative and fun-spirited designs received last year. The shape of the green forces you to control the ball and the "risk/reward" shot is as enticing as it could be. Well played, Maestro.... Well played.

Sean Dockry's "Lone Tree Harbor" is another example of the talents we saw in last year's event. I chose this hole for its level of quality in presentation but I can tell you, it suffered from what many DAH entries do - the inclusion of an always-played shortcut. A few tweaks to this layout and I think Sean would have been another one of the finalists. But rest easy, friend, you made it on the GTB.

Keith, I don't know what the hell I am looking at but you, my friend, get the award for best name. Ok, you're crayon lines are pretty nice too!

Before I bid you all farewell, I’d like to leave you with a final gallery of OH-SO-CLOSE-TO-GOOD designs.  Why?  Because missing the cut as a DAH finalist the first time wasn’t demoralizing enough…

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Coming Up on the GTB Next Week: THE BAD

WERE YOU BAD ENOUGH?

Design-a-Hole 2010

Submit Your Design Today for a Chance to Leave Your Golden Tee Legacy and Host the 2011 Launch Party at YOUR BAR!

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Expelling Golden Tee Tilt

By "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | February 23rd, 2010

Hey, Golden Tee fans.  It’s been a while since you’ve heard from your ol’ pal Duffer Dan.  Have you missed me?

I apologize that I’ve been AWOL but Incredible Technologies is keeping me busy.  Thankfully, my absence has created room for my much more in shape, quite less A-HOLE blogger minion, Adam Kramer to keep you all entertained.  He’s got chops, huh?  Thankfully, the hilarious electro-shock treatment is working on him.

So, while I may be somewhat out of the loop, I am definitely not  gone.  And with that said, it takes something compelling for me drop what I’m doing, come over here to the GTB and fire up the old blogin’ engine.  I present to you that compelling something…

The following is a player email that landed in my inbox.  I present it to you in its original form:

_______________________________________________________

Subject: NEW CARD NUMBER

I have been playing Golden Tee for about 5 years. I play with the same 3 guy’s about 2 times a week and probably play 2 games per day. I JUST CAN’T GET A BREAK. They hit and don’t get penalized, I hit and go in the water,sand trap or just miss a shot by inches. I spend about $25.00 a week playing this game ONLY TO SUCK HIND TIT 99% of the time, IT’S A JOKE. You would think after all this time I would have gotten better. I subscribe to your Newsletter and have taken time to analyze Greatest YOU-TUBE shot’s per hole. I also let my friends know where I’m Playing Golden Tee via Facebook.

Until I get a New Account with All My Clothing Transferred, I plan to tell these Guy’s that I will no longer play this game. Maybe Pool is my Destiny.

So if you want me to play give me a new card NUMBER

Thanks

Bill Ladas

_________________________________________________________

Now you know why we’re here and it doesn’t result in Bill playing billiards.

We’ve all been where Bill is.  It’s a level of complete frustration and passion that only comes with the game of golf.  It’s a crazy dichotomy, on one hand you have unbridled hatred for the game, as well as the people, places and things that go along with it.  On the other hand, you have a dedicated fanboy – doing everything short of wearing a “I Heart Steve Sobe” shirt and carrying around a Golden Tee pennant.

As I read Bill’s denunciation of Tee, I thought, “I can help.”  I can give Bill what he wants – I can exorcise his Golden Tee demons and give him that new life in the game he so loves to hate.  I can give Bill the 1% shove that will remove his dependence on hind tit and propel him into the future as the Golden Tee player he was born to be.  It’s time we expel the Golden Tee Tilt from Bill’s life and help him LIVE ON as a Golden Tee master.

Bill – are you ready?  It’s not going to be easy, my frustrated friend.  To build you up, we have to tear you down.  It may be painful – emotionally and physically.  It involves tools, – powerful tools.  Carnage, fire and brimstone!!!! (ok, not brimstone, but a mean paper shredder)

BILL LADAS, I CAST YOUR GOLDEN TEE DEMONS AWAY!!!!!


The official IT BAN HAMMER was used to alleviate Bill Ladas of his errant tee shots.

Then we lit a fire under Bill so he would stop getting flamed by his friends.

Next, we proved the rumor true – belt sanders can help your game.

Now, without a shred of dignity left – we can rebuild…

Bill, we’ve had a lot of fun with your situation here and it’s only because all of us can relate – you just so happened to be the one to put it so eloquently in an email.  So to complete your Golden Tee transformation, we will be fulfilling your demands and sending you a completely new account – fully stocked with GT equipment and apparel.  We hope that this frees you of the demons that have so haunted your virtual golf life.  You’re free!  Free to enjoy your Tee time in the sun, cause let me tell you something, brother – there are no Tee times in hell.

Thanks for being such a good sport and an inspiration all of us GT hacks out there.  And thanks for the permission to have a little fun at your expense.  You da man…

Good times,

- Duffer Dan

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HOLEGATE 2010

By "Duffer" Dan Schrementi | October 1st, 2009

Attention Fans of Golden Tee Golf: there’s a possible scandal among us, the gravity of which is unfathomable.  I present to you the following communication, which was intercepted by Incredible Technologies’ Information Observation Team (aka, ITIOT) on October the first, year two thousand and nine.

Great Wall #3

This hole is definitely a rip-off of my design-a-hole entry “star maker/star breaker” which got an honorable mention on GT.com on the 15 designs that didn’t make the cut for voting. WTF….

…yes it is the plnwheel green par 3, I have no pics, my design was drawn on paper with no copies made. My green was star shaped with the pin placement at the ends of the arms of the star requiring a shot in the middle of the green for any chance of a birdie.

Author: MOCHEEZ

Source: Let’s Talk Golf Message Board

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: requesting profile information on subject, MOCHEEZ, over. *chk*

East China? Coincidence?

East China? Coincidence?

PROFILE: MOCHEEZ

Goes by Doug Smalley.  Claims East China, Michigan as his home. Database confirms,  2009 Design-a-Hole Contest semi-finalist.  Known as a “hardcore” member of “Let’s Talk Golf”.  Once shot a -27 on Bonnie Moore to win $2 and was last quoted stating “I’d be a banger if I could hit ‘em straight.”

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger.  East China, Michigan? hmmm Sounds fishy…  Requesting further profile information.  One James Zielinski, over. *chk*

Grilled Cheese - MOCHEEZ? Coincidence?

Grilled Cheese - MOCHEEZ? Coincidence?

PROFILE: JIM ZIELINSKI

Goes by “Jimmy Z.” and known as the co-creator of Golden Tee Golf.  Noted as the game’s virtual course architect and has designed every hole, including Great Wall #3.  From the Chicago area and has been featured in dozens of magazines and TV programs.  Also an acclaimed creator of food and drink, including Golden Tee Grilled Cheese and the creme’ de menth/Goldschlager concoction called the Golden Tee Gulp.

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger that.  Requesting further details on the scandal…  And aaaa, can we get some of those cheese sandwiches up here? Over… *chk*

THE SCANDAL: HOLE GATE 2010

Doug “MOCHEEZ” Smalley claims that James “Jimmy Z.” Zielinski ripped-off his Design-a-Hole entry “Star Maker/Breaker” when designing hole #3 of The Great Wall.  MOCHEEZ goes on to claim that not only did Jim Z. glean design ideas from him but from other non-suspecting Design-a-Hole Contest semi-finalists. Jim, a proud artist, vehemently denies borrowing any ideas, be them conscious or subconscious.

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: Roger, dodger.  Requesting further evidence…. and… aaaa… base – those sandwiches please? over.*chk*

EVIDENCE A: STAR MAKER/BREAKER

Submitted via mail by Doug Smalley. Created with crayons, pencil and some possible smelly markers.

Submitted via mail by Doug Smalley. Created with crayons, pencil and some possible smelly markers. Includes tee-boxes all around, trees, dirt, water and a star-shaped, flat green.

EVIDENCE B: GREAT WALL #3

Great Wall #3, designed by Jim Z. using 3D Studio Max.

Great Wall #3, designed by Jim Z. using 3D Studio Max. Includes a spiral-shaped green perched in a circular landing area. Surrounded by sand and outlined by water. Includes four tee boxes and wide open approaches.

*chk* black helicopter 1 to base: 10-4, base but aaaa… where in the hell are the trees and the dirt mounds? And did you say sand – was that sand, base?  This is INSANE.  IT’s black helicopters have WAY more work to do than this – I’m out…  And – aaaaa – screw those sandwiches.   I’m going to get one of those Golden Tee Gulps… over and out.*chk*

YOU TELL US…

Is Great Wall #3 a Ripoff of Star Maker/Breaker?

View Results

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Thank you for your cooperation during this critical time.

- ITIOT Agent Duffer Dan Schrementi

ps: we love you, Doug.

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