Archives for April, 2010


The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Part 3

By Adam Kramer | April 29th, 2010

AK here, but don’t worry, Duffer fans – he’ll be back in a second. In the meantime, let’s avoid the whole Molotov cocktail thing at all costs.

We thought we’d tie a bow on The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly in 2010 by sharing the spotlight on some of last year’s best of the worst. Duffer started things off with The Good, I pinch-hit for The Bad, and now the two of us are combining forces to bring you the U-G-L-Y.

This might just be the most amazing tag team assembled since the Midnight Express and their turnbuckle-antics back in the early 80s.

But before I dive deeper into my wrestling throwback knowledge, there’s some work to take care of. Some dirty, dirty work…

You see, it’s not easy to describe the following designs, so I’ll be frank – these designs were the “Yo Mamma” jokes of last year.  They were the designs that made you want to throw up in your mouth, swallow it, then throw it up again. But you know what?

THAT’S WHY WE %^&ING LOVE ‘EM.

All of ‘em. And we appreciate all of the work that was put in, and you know why? These designs were unique, and the people took a chance to separate themselves from the rest of the pack. Hell, we practically forced you to do it when we encouraged you to try something new.

You see, Ugly doesn’t mean Bad. Ugly is simply an easy way to say this particular drawing didn’t fit into this contest. Plus, what kind of series would The Good, The Bad, and the Not-So-On-The-Mark be?

Think of it this way – these are the designs that belong on a wall in a bar, not on a virtual golf course…

So congratulations UGLY people, cause I say your nomination is pretty fantastic.

So now that my man Duffer Dan can sink his teeth back into this fun little feature – welcome him back with open arms. As always, this is meant in good fun so keep that in mind and try and keep the hate mail to a minimum. I mean, who could possibly hate on The Midnight Express. Look at the hair. LOOK AT IT.

Take it away, DD!

Young Adam, you’ve done an eloquent job illustrating the nuances of “Ugly” and now please step aside and allow me to put a cap on it with this visual representation:

Look up “Ugly” in the dictionary and see General Larry Platt and his goofy ass grin.  Not only did this ugly diddy infest the HDTV’s in millions of households through American Idol, it also hit the billboard charts, “The View” and was copied by that ass-slapping Minnesota Viking’s quarterback.  The point here is that sometimes it’s the ugliest of ducklings that turn into swans… Or is it the dumbest of swans that we can laugh at for being ugly…  I don’t know, it’s something like that.  Anyway  HERE WE GO with the grand finale!

U-G-L-Y YOU AINT GOT NO ALIBI, YOU UGLY!

It’s only fitting that this layout looks like a baseball on a tee from afar cause it’s time for me to knock this one out of Skipper Ripper Horner’s little league baseball field.  ”Wind Funnel” made the ugly list this year NOT cause it’s from GT’s favorite stat geek buddy, Skipper Ripper, NOT because it’s a par 3 between 50 and 300 (yes, 300) yards, NOT because it HAS to be hole #16 and NOT because its concave green defies Golden Tee physics.  What pushed this discombobulated drawing over the edge was the nerve of its designer to think it can play God.  Skipper, leave the wind alone…
Seriously, Kyle – a Death Star?  Come on, man.  This isn’t World of Warcraft, this is Golden Tee, brother.  If you were going to put a famous theatrical “space star” as shortcut in a Golden Tee design I would expect something entirely more fitting, such as “Mega Maid” from Spaceballs.  Your geekery gave this hole absolutely NO credibility and as Dark Helmut said, “We’re done with you.  Now go to the golf course and work on your putz!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, grab your hats and look out for bats because what you’re entering now is certifiably, undeniably, guaranteed to involve wee… er – beer – CAVE portion of today’s trip.  In corner number one you have “The Cavern” by former Team USA member, Justin Taylor – a high-resolution, full color cave experience that oddly resembles an askew jack-o-lantern.  And in corner number two you have the aptly named “The Cave” by Brian Kirschner – Brian opted for the much cleaner Picture Pages approach to convey his stalagmite-filled vision. I hate to be a kiljoy, but unless you were born in one of these masterpieces you should know that there has never been and will never be, a CAVE HOLE in Golden Tee Golf.  If any reader should decide to send a cave idea in for 2011, please include a rock for illustration and self-clubbing purposes.
Flaming “The Finish Line” by Russ Green is the hardest UGLY ribbing I’ve ever done.  Why? Cause this design is so near and dear to my heart.  Here’s a Duffer Dan fact – I am a Indy Racing junkie, with a particular fondness for the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.  It is my love and my sporting sanctuary.  So the day I received a call asking permission to use the Greatest Spectacle in Racing as a DAH inspiration, I was floored and could’t wait to see it – until I did.  Russ, sadly, I need to point some things out to you 1) according to scale your fairway is 1,144 yards long and your tee boxes are upwards of 300-yards wide 2) you moved pit road, Gasoline Alley AND the pagoda and 3) you replaced the famed “yard of bricks” with checkered paint.  Sorry to say it, buddy, but there are already 4 real golf holes inside of the Brickyard and they’ve got you topped.  With all this said, it still does make me happy to see my two loves cross paths, even if it’s uglier than the 1968 Lotus turbine.
Travis Schoonover’s “Rooftop Delight” rounds out this year’s medley of monstrous masterpieces and it’s not for his lack of creativity.  Golden Tee has taken us to a variety of scary places before, but never any that would require a helicopter or Spidey senses to get from tee-to-green.  What pushed me over the edge was.. the… thought… of getting pushed over the edge!  Travis says “only the most daring players would go for the green in one” leaving out the fact that they scaled a damn building to tee-off!  OK, Schoony, next time you decide to break out Photoshop, leave the RedBull in the fridge and back down the testosterone – you’re just too damn creative to end it all like this.
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So there you have it, folks – THE UGLY hole designs from the 2009 Design-a-Hole contest.  And just in case my partner, Adam “Randy Rose” Kramer didn’t include enough disclaimers, we seriously appreciate efforts put forth by today’s contestants.  You let us have a little fun with you and for that, we say thank you.  Now you sir, I’d appreciate it if you kindly remove your sniper rifle from the parking lot and give ol’ Duffer Dan a nice big bear hug in celebration of today’s display of disfigured doodles!

[Man, I am on fire with the alliterations!]

So, until next year, I bid this series farewell and look forward to showing off THE GREAT of 2010.  As you know, this year’s Design-a-Hole finalists have been announced and they are nothing short of spectacular.  So don’t forget to start voting next week, all the while remembering, that on the deep, disturbed hard drive of Duffer Dan’s computer lies the dark and dirty secret files that will be known as the 2010 The Good, The Bad and The Ugly…

Good times,

- Duffer Dan

Design-a-Hole 2010 Voting Starts April 3rd!

Goldentee.com

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The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (Part 2 of 3)

By Adam Kramer | April 7th, 2010

“Duffer Dan…Paging Duffer Dan…”

(After a few seconds of silence, people begin running around screaming. Someone takes a computer and throws it out the window.)

“Where the %^& is he?!”

(More screaming, more panicking, someone puts their head through a Golden Tee cabinet.)

“But….but….but….what about the BAD?!”

(Someone pulls a Molotov cocktail from their desk, lights it, and throws it. Before it can hit the ground, I, marketing associate and amazing story teller Adam Kramer, come out of nowhere and catch the cocktail with one hand and put the flame out with my mouth.)

“All is well, friends. All is well,” I proclaim. “The Show MUST and WILL go on.”

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Okay fine, maybe that’s not “exactly” what happened but the fact of the matter is that everyone’s favorite Design-a-Hole dandy is absent.  Duffer Dan is a busy man. In fact, as I write this he’s 35,000 feet above, sitting on a plane, off to his next great adventure. And so, Duffer called on me to fill in on this portion of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly just this once.

“This call to the bullpen is brought to you by Loud Mouth Pants. We make you look like a giant A-HOLE so your horrendous golf game doesn’t have to.”


So as a quasi-guest blogger (in this instance), I feel the need to keep up with the precedent that has been set. There’s something special about The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, and I’ll do my best to keep this GT staple alive and well.

With the easy one is out of the way, we carry onwards. Duffer showcased The Good in Part 1 of our three-part series, which means we are on to The Bad – a delicate and delightful category that showcases the “Oooppppps” of 2009.

Before we go on any further I have to offer up the following. A) This is all in good fun, so please don’t take any of this personally if you are included. In fact, be honored. You, and your design are now part of Golden Tee history. B) Being bad, isn’t bad at all. In fact, it’s $%^&ing awesome. (Insert slow clap here)

If being bad at drawing a virtual golf hole will get you some notoriety on a blog that embraces a video game, then well…you see what I’m getting at. And if you’re still upset about getting tomatoed by a guy who writes about a video game, know this. I have the artistic skills of miniature horse and I feel your Crayola pain. Let’s take this pain, mix in some hilarity, and have ourselves a merry ol’ time.

Here they are, folks. THE BAD

The hole-layout actually looks quite awesome and pretty difficult. It's the presentation that somehow goes astray. This definitely gets the "What Could Have Been Award of '09." Perhaps the brown marker ran out at the wrong time? Hey, Beethoven was a little rough around the edges and he turned out juuuuuust fine minus the whole insanity thing. Regardless, keep at it, Craig!

B-Man (the person) is one hell of a Golden Tee player, but I think he might have missed the boat – at least for this particular contest. He might, however, be able to get a pretty penny for this thing at an art fair. If you want this hanging over your fireplace, you, me, and B-Man (the drawing and the drawer) can talk turkey.

Hello windmills! Well, at least the one on the right, not necessarily the upside down Ys on the hole. Could you imagine hitting through/around these babies? For now, however, there simply is no way this hole could make it into Tee. Imagine playing this on a windy day? This would make Savannah 17 seem like a 3-foot, flat putt.

While Sea-3 makes the shot selection pretty obvious, I don't think the trackball can create the type of shot required by looking at his diagram. I'm not even sure Mario Andretti could navigate his car through that opening. With that said, I know what Charles was going for here and with a few tweaks he might have something.

Lava did return in this year's update, but not in the form of the Eye of Sauron, I mean Brian's drawing. While the idea of lava flowing into Lost Creek is an interesting scene to imagine, I just can't get the visual from this design. He gets an A for effort here, but a C- for tree-drawing execution.

This does have the makeup of a closing hole, all be it one that's rough around the edges. The shot into the green would be a good one, so no problems there. It's more the moguls positioned directly in the fairway. Bode Miller approves this message, but Jim Z, unfortunately, did not.

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Next Week – The Ugly - Hide the children, stay indoors, and watch out. It’s going to get bumpy.

Design-a-Hole 2010

Submit Your Design Today for a Chance to Leave Your Golden Tee Legacy and Host the 2011 Launch Party at YOUR BAR!

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